


You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death

by Caliborth



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Alcohol, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Underage Drinking, magtok, skwismag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2018-04-30 21:19:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5180102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caliborth/pseuds/Caliborth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pre-canon AU. A few months after Dethklok rose to popularity, Magnus unexpectedly meets their newest member, Toki, in the street. This is the perfect occasion to make friends with him and solve some unfinished business with his former band. [Abandoned]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I named the fanfic this because of the song I'm listening to and I'm really bad at naming fanfics.

Magnus met him entirely unexpectedly, as in front of some random bar in the street. Of course, he knew him: he was on TV all the damned time. They said that "apparently, the band just needed him to truly begin meeting success". The young man was sort of short, and looked much younger than any of them; much, much younger than Magnus in particular. So that was Dethklok's new guitarist.  
That was with whom they had replaced him. Maybe with whom Skwisgaar, that blond haired motherfucker, had replaced him.  
When he was watching TV, he would overnanalyze every moment, everytime they got any close to one another, lost in a maze of paranoid jealousy. In fact, he watched everyone with acute attention: whether Nathan looked regretful of his actions against Magnus, even just slightly. Did any of them regret him? He decided they had forgotten him entirely. But of course, he paid more attention to Skwisgaar. It has always had been about Skwisgaar. And there he was, the replacement, the prodigy, so better than him, loved by all, brand new, looking far less fucked up than crazy old Maggie. 

Toki Wartooth bumped into him, entirely unaware. It had taken Magnus a small second for all of these thoughts to rush to his head, at the precise moment his eyes met the brown haired boy's. He looked even better in real life, a bit surrealist too. And he seemed kinder. He immediately apologized after bumping into Magnus, and insisted to know if the latter was okay. Magnus had a smile. Why not, eh?

"It's nothing, kid. Don't worry about it. You're Toki Wartooth, right?"

He watched as Toki was in awe, remembering his brand new fame. People were already recognizing him in the street. The young boy was grinning to himself, and proudly gave Magnus the affirmative.

"Ain't the world small. Go figure! I was in your band, before you, you know. Come on, let me buy you a drink. You gotta tell me about how you guys are doing.  
_ Awww, sures!"

Magnus motioned him to the bar behind him, a place a good as another to have a friendly chat. They both got a beer, and the older man listened to Toki talk about his life in the band. He open-heartedly told Magnus about how it changed ever since he had met Dethklok, how unhappy he had been with his family, how he had replaced them by Nathan, Pickles, Skwisgaar and Murderface. Magnus could imagine the feeling pretty easily. When Toki was mentionning his past, he would nod politely, without insisting. At a later time, he would know everything. But there was no need to rush things. The bar was cozy enough, well heated, the beer was tasting alright. Things were good. 

They stayed in the bar for a while, had a second, then a third beer. Toki would excuse himself "I reallys needs to leaves... oh just anothers one! can'ts hurt right?". By the end of the afternoon, Magnus could actually say without lying that he knew Toki very well. That was good. They were now friends. At some point, though, Toki really had to leave, but not without asking Magnus for his phone number first. 

When he got just got home, Magnus had the surprise to receive a text message from Toki. It said he had had a great time, and that he was looking forward to seeing him again. How naive. The boy sure was clingy. It was kind of cute, though.  
Afterwards, he couldn't stop thinking about the boy. Of course, the chance he had had of just walking into Toki Wartooth in a random street, in public, would not present itself everyday. It was a one in a million occasion. He waited before answering. Went to have a shower. He actually thought of celebrating by fixing himself a proper dinner, but he was feeling way too excited to eat. He found himself unable to think about anything else, and finally, he quickly gave in and texted him back.  
He wouldn't be able to sleep that night. 

***

Toki and him had been texting each other for a few weeks since they had met. He thought he would tire of Toki's cutesy typing style fast, or even of his text messages at all, but it wasn't the case. He felt like this was all too easy. They were already friends, and the Norwegian man seemed to greatly trust him. Still, Magnus knew that a friendship needed more time, even if his new friend was very inclined to trust. But it didn't keep him from celebrating his progress.

Toki tried to make him sign up on some sort of social network so he could add him as a friend, and Magnus was secretly delighted about it at first. He actually liked social networks, for that they let him overshare and personalize profile pictures, etc. Though soon enough, he figured out that Toki was probably friends with the rest of the band, and he didn't want to have to interact with any of them. Of course, he would have to face them at one point or another. But he wanted to be significant enough to Toki so that the scales would weigh in his favor when the time would come. 

They had met again and spent time together a few times, as well. The second time they saw each other, they had decided to come back to the one bar where they had spent so long talking. Two other times, Toki treated him lunch, but most of the other times, they just went to diverse bars. Toki liked to call him at random times without warning, asking if he wanted to hang out. Magnus didn't mind much, as he was currently unemployed. 

Most of the time, he was listening to Toki, who liked to complain a lot about various little nothings, and about various important problems. He offered his advice; if Toki didn't always follow it, he seemed to appreciate the attention regardless. The Norwegian man offered to listen to him as well, which came off as a bit of a surprise, since it wasn't something Magnus was used to. He found himself able to talk easily about himself, money problems, his past. He avoided a few sensitive topics. He wasn't sure he could tell anyone about some things, and would probably keep them secret for the rest of his life. In fact, he was very selective about things that he wanted or not to let know. But Magnus wasn't a very secret person to begin with. He liked talking about himself. After all, Toki would trust him better if he knew Magnus better. 

However, he avoided talking about his past in Dethklok. He wasn't particularly proud of it, and although of course, Toki wanted to know about it and asked a lot of questions, Magnus had a way of keeping quiet about what mattered. He knew how to answer a question without lying, but without telling the truth either. It wasn't so hard, in fact. Just a game of words. Actually, he really didn't want Toki to go investigate among the band members themselves. 

Unfortunately, the best things can come to an end. Magnus received a text inviting him to Mordhaus. Toki had talked to the band members, and they desired to see him to maybe "make up and reminisce the good ol' times".


	2. Mordhaus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toki reintroduces Magnus to Dethklok.

Make up and reminisce the good old times. What good times? Okay, now that was a lie. There were good times. But they were painful to think about. Magnus had liked hanging out with them all. He had liked playing guitar in this band, jamming with Skwisgaar, although this latter was always condescending and arrogant, showing guitar stuff to Wiliam, who could hardly be bothered to practice... He had especially always liked Pickles, for some reason. He just felt like the drummer had a warm personality, a good heart. Magnus felt like the opposite of that. He liked Nathan too, but hardly ever got close to him. Something just rubbed him the wrong way.  
All in all, he never felt too close to anyone of them. But there were good times. Only now, when he thought of them, all he could remember was arguing with them constantly, feeling deeply misunderstood, the unbearable pain of feeling utterly alone, which drove him to get more and more irritated, the glances everybody would give him when he lost his cool about anything, being called crazy by the only people in his life... He had always been called crazy, it was old news, and it always hurt like a bitch every single time. So what if he was? What could he do about it? Would noone ever like him for what he is? 

He shook these painful memories, looking up at the impressive manor. Mordhaus, eh. Their old, shitty apartment evolved into this, only he wasn't in the picture anymore. He could still see that one time they chose the name together. It came from Nathan. They talked about it a lot, they wanted a name for their lair. Mordhaus was pretty cool. Magnus immediately loved it. Only William took some time to accept it, because he wanted another silly name, but it all came along. Of course, he knew the manor from having seen it on TV or on magazines.  
It was still getting built, and only a small area of it was completed, but the basic structure was already there. Magnus couldn't help thinking wow, the fame already got to their heads. And of course, it would have gotten to his head too were he still in the band. Couldn't say the building that much, though. He liked minimalistic places. Well, not as minimalistic as their old apartment, either. 

He arrived to Mordhaus' living room, accompanied by a staff member. They already had like, butlers and shit. And there they were: Dethklok. Nathan, Pickles, Skwisgaar, William, Toki, sitting on a couch - and even Charles, who was standing. Toki immediately got up and walked up to him.

"I'm so happys you coulds make it! Does you find it easily?"

Magnus was about to answer that it was hard to miss it, but the rest of the band slowly got up to the couch as well, and joined Toki. Nathan and Pickles gave him a cold "hey", William said "what's up?" and Skwisgaar didn't say anything, just staring at him. Magnus grew really uneasy, barely able to hold their gaze. He felt like the room's temperature fell down a few degrees. Charles gave him a nod. 

"So yeah", started Nathan, "what's up with you? Got yourself a new band?" 

"Um, no. I'm on a... solo project right now."

To hell if he was going to admit that he barely played anymore, weighed down by his former band's newly found success while he was rotting away in some shitty place, with no motivation for anything. 

"Oh yeah? Tell us about it. Want a drink?"

"Sure."

The band went back with him to the couch, gathering around the small table in front of it while a staff member arrived with glasses and a bottle of what appeared to be whiskey. He had never heard of that brand, but it looked expensive. Charles excused himself "I have work to do, I'm letting you catch up boys" and walked out. Magnus didn't like whiskey to begin with, but the atmosphere was electric and he did need a drink to alleviate it. Pickles poured him a glass with some ice. 

"What about you guys. Your first album was a total hit, I could never dream of such a success. Are you already working on another?"

That was an attempt at avoiding to talk about his so called solo project, which was successful. They immediately started contradicting each other. Nathan and Skwisgaar said they were already writing the next one, while Pickles and William talked about a much deserved break. They thought, with their new fame, that they could take it easy for a while. Now the public was conquered. Really foolish, thought Magnus... they could as well be one of these bands that noone remembers after their first album, so they had to work now or never. But he didn't say shit. Toki, as well, didn't say anything. 

The band started arguing about what they thought their next albums should be about (all suggesting very metal stuff), and Magnus took his time to observe Toki. The boy had a wide grin, visibly very happy to be here, but didn't participate much in conversation. When he did, they all tended to ignore him, except maybe Skwisgaar. The two seemed closer than the rest of the band, and Magnus guessed Skwisgaar had picked him and taken him under his wing. It took some effort to suppress the jealousy and fury that overwhelmed him. Skwisgaar was once close to him, and Magnus taught him guitar stuff, they played together, argued a lot, but there was something, some sort of bond that he felt was replaced by this new clueless kid. And now, the Suede didn't even give a look, acted like he wasn't there. It kind of made Magnus want to punch him. Punch them all, really. None of them really cared about whatever was happening to him now. 

"Dude, you alright? Your glass is shaking." Wiliam called him back to reality.

"Oh yeah, it's nothing. Just... feeling a bit nostalgic." 

He smiled at them, hoping that would convince them of the fact he was essentially harmless to them now. In fact, he wanted to smash the bottle on their heads, and had trouble keeping himself from visualizing it, but he thought his smile was sincere looking nonetheless. He nervously downed his glass in one go and the alcohol went straight to his head, and he felt more relaxed and a bit dizzy. The other members finished their drinks as well, except for Toki who didn't have any. 

"This is lame. We need to go to someplace else get real booze", suggested Nathan, who looked bored already. 

"Yeah" seconded Pickles, "let's go to a club or something! We need some atmosphere, some music or something."

Magnus wondered if that was a polite way to ditch him.

"That mean I'm stayings there, I guess" said Toki regretfully.

"You can come with Magnus."

"But I'm underages?"

"You're in the band too though, you should party with us. I'm sure they'll let us. But I mean, it's as you want."

"Yes I wants to comes! What does you think, Magnus? Pleases comes hang out?"

Magnus was feeling tipsy already and wasn't sure if it would be a good idea to get wrecked with his former bandmates, he kind of already had enough of them, they brought back many bad memories, made him feel uneasy and above all, made him feel terrible about himself. Then he felt the cold weight of Skwisgaar's grey eyes.

"Yeah, sure, it'll be fun."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I'm gonna write on chapter 3 right away. I wanted the length to more or less match the first chapter. Hope everyone is doing fine.


	3. The club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dethklok and Magnus go out to have a drink in a night club.

The club chosen by the band let Toki in without any problem. Apparently, it was the band's favourite place to get wrecked, and they probably appreciated the advertising that Dethklok's patronage got them. The place was was rather dark, with very dim lighting for an intimate atmosphere. The music was really loud, and shitty. Magnus could barely hear what the others were saying. He really hated that kind of place, and suddenly began to intensely regret coming. Toki, on the contrary, seemed so excited to be here. He had a soft drink though to begin with, because he was still a bit apprehensive of alcohol. Magnus had a vodka with pineapple juice. The band told him he could order whatever he wanted, because they had a tab here and it would just get paid directly from their account. 

"Do you comes to these places like this oftens?" Toki had to lean in for Magnus to understand his question. Next to them, the band started a drinking game and were having shots together, shouting stuff excitedly. 

"No, not at all. Not my thing."

"I likes it lots. People looks like they ams havings fun. Make my head kinds of hurts though."

"Mine too."

"Do you wants to dance?"

Toki was looking at the dancefloor, a few meters away from the bar. It was colourful, with many green, blue and pink spotlights which gave it an otherworldly atmosphere. There were a lot of people dancing on it already, but it was far from being full. There were couples, but also groups of friends and people dancing alone. 

"... Not my thing either."

"Aw. I wants to, but I'm scareds to go alones" Toki said laughing. 

"Come on dudes, do shots with us!"

That was William, who put his arms around both Magnus and Toki so they would hear him better. He was already really drunk. They turned around to face the rest of the band.

"What ams those? It amn't just vodka?" asked the Norwegian.

"There ams cherry syrup in it. They calls it a 'Darth Vaders'. Reallys delickious", answered Skwisgaar. 

He gave one to Toki, who looked at it apprehensively. He was probably thinking of starting with something lighter for his first alcoholized drink, but he wasn't going to chicken out. After a small pause, he drank the shot in one go, then got a fit of cough. He recovered quickly after Skwisgaar gave him a glass of water.

"It ams nice. I really likes it. I ams startings to feel weirds now though."

"That's normal", said Pickles, "but you should wait until you have another one, and tell the barista if you start to feel bad."

Magnus had one too. They really tasted great, and you could barely feel them affecting you, so he had a few other ones, too. William began chatting him up, and they found themselves reminiscing old memories. 

"Remember that one time we showed up at this shitty gig drunk? We completely messed up and Nathan started improvising some really random lyrics, then Pickles passed out? We laughed so hard that one time, we couldn't stop at all. We didn't get paid though." 

Magnus found himself talking freely and openly, having a friendly conversation with someone he thought he hated, all due to alcohol. He learned a bit more about Dethklok's personal life, too, and found they had been essentially partying ever since their first album got big, but with little project of a second album. Charles was always the same, except now he was even bossier than before, urging them to write the second album. Understandably. 

William excused himself to get more booze, and Magnus went back to Toki, who the boys had just left alone. 

"Doing alright?" asked Magnus.

"Yeah, totallys. I had a fews more shot. I ams feelings really good."

"Maybe you should stop there."

"Yeah, do you wants to dance nows by any luck? I feels like movings."

"Sure, why the hell not."

They went to the dancefloor, which was now full of people, and they had to look for a clear spot. Magnus didn't really like dancing to begin with, but he, too, felt like moving, he was also drunk enough to be able to push his boundaries, and he felt like letting the kid have fun. Toki started some dancing moves in front of him, and tried to tell Magnus something; but the crowd was so loud that this was lost on him. He assumed that it was an invitation to dance too, and he tried to imitate Toki. He could tell Toki was a really bad dancer who hadn't really done it before, but that was also his case. 

Despite being drunk, he was starting to feel embarrassed until Toki grabbed his hands to dance with him to properly say. The boy's movements were fast and clumsy, which he didn't really mind. Eventually though, Toki tired himself out and simply put his hands on Magnus' shoulders, still dancing but less eagerly so. He let out a yawn.

"Tired? You want to go back?"

"Yeah. But waits a bit... It ams nice like this."

Their dancing was really slow now, barely resembling dancing at all. Toki put his arms around Magnus' neck and hugged him, staying like this for a few minutes. When he released him, he let out another yawn, and his eyes were beginning to close.

"I think you're done for the night, kiddo. Let's go back." 

They walked through the dancefloor and Toki sat on a stool.

"Are you gonna be alright?" asked Magnus. "Want to call a cab?"

"Nah, I ams just goings to sit here a bits with a glasses of water."

"Okay. I'm going out for some fresh air."

The air outside was really cold comparatively, and Magnus shivered. It was nice though, it was way calmer outside. There were a few groups of people chatting with each other, yelling and laughing noisily, but it was refreshing anyway compared to the noise inside. Otherwise, there were no cars on the road, it must had been really late, and the city was pretty silent. Magnus walked a dozen of meters away from the entrance, wanting to distance himself from the groups of friends, and lighted himself a cigarette. 

It felt nice. Blowing the smoke out of his lung, he could hardly tell the difference between it and the small fog produced by the air he was exhaling; looking up, he could actually see a few stars. That was a weird evening. It was going much better than he thought it would, and he was actually enjoying himself, although he was really hammered at this point. He had a bit of a headache, too. 

"What the fucks does you think you ams doing?"

Magnus turned around, surprised of hearing Skwisgaar's voice. The Suede was standing a few meters away from him, staring at him with hostility. 

"I don't know what you're talking about, enlighten me?"

"I means with Toki. It ams weird enough that you ams friends? Like what ams up with that? But I meants, the fucks you does with him now. I saws you on the dancefloors", Skwisgaar accused as he walked up to him.

"What, dancing? He didn't want to go alone, and none of you apparently took the time to go with him, so."

The Suede grabbed him by the collar and he had to let his cigarette go, seeing the blonde more furious than ever. The alcohol he had before probably helped.

"You leaves him alones. Understands?"

"What, you're jealous? Of me? Is he your boyfriend? Or are you jealous of him, because you want me."

Skwisgaar slowly let go of Magnus, looking him dead in the eye. 

"Shuts the fuck ups. You ams the past now. We don't wants you anywhere nears-"

Magnus didn't let him finish: he punched him. Skwisgaar almost fell under the weight of the hit, and touched his cheek with his hand in disbelief. 

"You never changes does you. Sees, this is why we don't wants you anymores."

Skwisgaar went to grab him by the collar again and pushed him against the wall. Magnus hit his head on it, and his arms around the blonde got the latter closer, their bodies against one another. Magnus was the one to initiate the kiss. Skwisgaar answered with more passion, and they remained making out against the wall for a while. It felt good, like coming home, and although they wouldn't stop kissing, they didn't dare touching each other's body in any other way. Eventually, Skwisgaar broke away from him, averting his gaze. 

"You musts leaves our life nows", he said. "I can'ts really stops Toki from seeings you, but you mustn't comes anymore."

They walked back to the club in silence. Toki was still inside, passed out on the bar; the rest of the band was nowhere to be found. Skwisgaar pulled out his phone and called a cab for Magnus and Toki to go back home.


	4. Magnus' place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after.

When he woke up, the next day, Magnus was more hangover than he had ever been in his life. Which was telling, since he used to party all the time when he was in Dethklok. He wasn't so used to hangovers, though. Firstly because he usually had the responsibility to regularly drink water inbetween drinks (which he didn't do this time), secondly because he simply wasn't prone to them. He handled his alcohol okay. He looked at the clock. It was really late in the afternoon. He felt grumpy, and in serious need of a shower. He tried getting up, but all of his muscles protested in pain, so he rolled over to the rim of the mattress, took his tobacco, filters and sheets and rolled himself a good morning cigarette.

He took a long drag, exhaled and felt much better already. He found the strenght to sit, ignored the blood rushing at his temples, pounding in his head. His phone vibrated, on the small table in front of him. It was low on battery, and was begging to be plugged. Oh, and Toki had messaged him earlier, when he was sleeping. 

"I have a lots of funs yesterday. :DDD So glads u can comes!!!! hopfullys we can dos it again soon"

Magnus texted him back, asking how Toki was feeling. The memories of the last night were starting to come back to him. Of course, he remembered the evening, mostly. But some details were... blurry. He rubbed his temples, taking another drag off his cigarette, trying to remember better. When he was younger, he never had any problem recalling all that happened when he was drunk. But he was getting a bit old, and this unhealthy life he was leading was probably starting to take a toll on him. Everything eventually came back to him, though. 

He remembered how much he hated the place, but how nice being drunk felt. He remembered how nice it felt to talk about old shit with William, for a moment he felt like he was part of the group again. That had been great, hanging out with them. And surprisingly, he remembered feeling protective and benevolent towards Toki, though last night, he didn't really process it. When they danced together... Okay, that was really embarrassing. They probably looked like a couple of homos. Good thing everyone was really smashed. 

And the altercation with Skwisgaar... His words stung so much when he said them. They stung less now, Magnus felt mostly numb about it. But when they kissed... That had been nice. Skwisgaar had made no comment on it, but he obviously had enjoyed it as much as he did. Or maybe that was some kind of closure bullshit. Anyway, he made it clear he didn't want to hear from him again. Magnus had to know more about Skwisgaar and Toki's relationship, at any rate. His phone vibrated again. Before reading Toki's answer, he quickly got up and plugged his phone. 

"im goods!!!! only a bit of a headakes still. what about u?? i thinks skwissgar is mad ats me."

"I'm fine. What makes you think he's mad at you?"

His cigarette finished, Magnus crushed it in the ashtray, and got up to have a quick shower. He took it a bit cold, because it was really hot in the flat, and because hot water would only make his headache worse. When he came back, he found that Toki had sent him back a novel. His message was describing what a douche Skwisgaar was being in great detail, ignoring him exaggeratedly and being mean for no reason. Oh this sounded like Skwisgaar alright. Always grumpy, never happy, always playing diva about something. Then again, from the little he had seen, Skwisgaar looked like he was relatively soft with Toki. Which Magnus honestly really hated. So he answered with a cautious "Oh yeah? What is he usually like with you?" and awaited for Toki's answer.

He dressed up while waiting, and the answer indeed took some time: Toki had written another novel.  
"well, he ams really patients, and wants always tos initiates me with stuff. Likes he show me stuffs on the guitars mostlys and he wants to spends times with me and hang outs and it ams nice. He acts kinds of a big brothers i think???? :))) i never haves one, befores but i thinks skwisgaar is betters than that.. he asks who is ams textings and i says you and he says i shoulds stop and thats your not a good frend for mes :(((( ?????i donts understands his problems."

This asshole. Magnus wasn't sure how to answer to that. He didn't think Skwisgaar would actively try to sabotage his relationship with Toki this early, but of course this would happen. He texted something cautious, about how he didn't want to be a problem for Toki and the band, but he that he valued the kid's friendship. To be honest, he felt kind of afraid to have to stop talking to Toki. He felt like he was doing too much of a great job, getting him to trust him and open up, to lose him like this. Thinking about it, he realized he felt a bit less lonely since he had met Toki.

Magnus didn't really have any social life after Dethklok. He didn't have many friends before them either, but he lost contact with most of them when he started spending all his time working on music and partying with the band. And now, he felt like it was more difficult than ever to make friends. He always felt alienated, no matter where he went. And hanging out with Toki, and yesterday, with Dethklok again felt a bit like coming home to him. He felt really stranded without them, even if he was far from emotionally close to them. 

Toki answered that Skwisgaar the rest could stick it if they thought they had a choice in who Toki hangs out with, and Magnus felt somewhat reassured. The kid also asked if Magnus was okay with him coming over instead of having him come to Mordhaus. Yeah, he was okay with it. It was a good idea, actually. He mentioned how he was feeling unwelcome. Avoiding them was probably for the best, anyway. They settled on hanging out together not the next day, but the day after. Today, they were too out of it because of their headaches and the time at which they got up. And Magnus had to class up the place a bit before he would let Toki in.

He was staying at his cousin's old apartment. It was very small, which Magnus didn't mind seeing as he lived alone. It was also somewhat in bad shape, and there was not much furniture, save for a shitty one person sized bed, a small table by the bed where Magnus kept an ashtray and other tobacco related objects, his guitar and amp. There was also a big open suitcase with some of his clothes. The rest of his clothes were in bags, or scattered on the floor. He had no washing machine, so if he wanted to wash them he had to take them to a laundry place, but that was a fastidious task, so he didn't do it very often. 

In the living space, where all of this furniture could be found, there was also a small corner which more or less served as a kitchen. It had a tiny fridge with a freezer, more than enough for Magnus' appetite, a sink and next to the sink, no actual, proper stove but a small, portable stove which was already quite old and took forever to heat anything. The bathroom was really small and there was no bathtub, just a shower. It was good enough for Magnus as well. 

To make the place more presentable, he picked up the clothes on the floor, which he stored into bags, cleaned the table, took out the trash bags, started washing up the dishes, which were slowly accumulating in the sink. It still looked really poor, but at least decent, and by comparison with before, almost nice. 

For several reasons among which the shape of the flat and its size, Magnus' cousin wouldn't sell it, and let his relative occupy it for the time being. Magnus had no pressure to leave it since nobody else needed it, although he knew he could probably not live here forever. 

 

***

Magnus had already been up for two hours when Toki showed up in the early afternoon. He had let the windows open for a while to evacuate the reek of tobacco which probably invested the whole place. It was a rather warm, sunny day. He had also bought a pack of beers and some snacks, which Toki was happy to meet when Magnus offered him some. The kid made no comment whatsoever on the place and looked plain content to be here. He had trouble drinking the beer, which was too bitter for his taste (and too cheap too, since beer quality depends entirely on price), but he seemed to appreciate it anyway. He ate a lot of chips, and Magnus, who didn't like chips, didn't have any.

"So that ams yours guitar!!!! It ams SO cools!"

Toki had brought his guitar, too, hoping they could jam together. He lifted it excitedly after Magnus gave him an approving nod, and he played some chords with it unplugged, appreciating its weight. He didn't seem to notice the dust on it. Magnus plugged in the amp so they could play. It hadn't been plugged in a while. Every now and then, he picked his guitar up and tried playing it without any electricity, but as soon as he heard the crystal sound of the strings, he felt crushed by nostalgia. It felt like something else entirely to have it by his waist. It felt light, and right. It felt a bit like home again. 

He rediscovered the sound of his guitar with the amp settings he liked best, and immediately improvised a solo. He was clumsy, and clearly his fingers had gotten rusty for all these months barely playing. But it felt nice. Toki listened appreciatively, and once Magnus was done, he started a solo of his own using similar notes to the ones Magnus had used, which made it sound a bit like a response. 

Damn, was that kid good. He wasn't clumsy at all, his movements were clear and fluid, fast and precise. His melody got progressive slower, and adapted into a steady, inviting rythm for Magnus to play on. The man felt more like if they were going to be playing together, he would have to be the one doing rythm, and Toki had to be lead, but his spite didn't let him anything. He started an ambitious melody, with ascending, though slightly repetitive motifs. He had a hard time keeping up with his own pace, but he was starting to play with more confidence with every note, like his skill was slowly coming back to him. 

Magnus' playing was no challenge for Toki, who had no difficulty whatsoever keeping up. All in all, their playing sounded really good. They continued for a while like this, testing very different things and amp settings, playing silly to dark, deep sounding music. Eventually, they stopped for a "break" and they had a new beer while Toki finished the chips. They continued talking of music. Toki talked a bit about how he came to love music, and repeated how happy he was with his life now. 

He also talked of his relationship with the band. He kept saying how happy he was to know them, but Magnus knew they just weren't this kind. They weren't the type to care about each other. He kinda felt, from how Toki was speaking, like they were lowkey alienating him for his young age and warm attitude, but he couldn't be sure of it. Maybe they had just finally found someone with whom it was working, since clearly it wasn't working with Magnus. Skwisgaar especially, was described by Toki in such a way that Magnus would never have thought it was the same person if he hadn't known for sure it was the Swede. 

Toki talked of all of them like they were the big brothers he never had, but of Skwisgaar especially so. The kid seemed to be extremely fond of him, and especially grateful that he in particular had let him into the band. Skwisgaar apparently seemed to be in a bad mood ever since Magnus had come to hang out with all of them. What else is new. He was a bit cold to Toki as a result, but the boy was far from alarmed, if not less pissed. He said that these differences in attitude were usual to Skwisgaar, and he was right. But otherwisely, Skwisgaar was really sweet with him, especially when they were playing together. He was the one to help him adjust into his new life, and Toki loved being around him.

This talk made Magnus feel progressively more and more uneasy. He felt intensely jealous, not only because of Skwisgaar, but of everything that Toki was, and that he wasn't. And most of it seemed to be founded in his godlike guitar abilities. Clearly, this kid was something else. Magnus had heard his playing in their new record, but seeing him improvise was an entirely different experience. This made him feel a lot of frustration. He had this problem with Skwisgaar in the past, too. He understood better how they could have replaced him with Toki. The kid probably sounded way better with Skwisgaar than Magnus. It was just realistic to admit this, but it still really hurt, and he felt incredibly mediocre by comparison. 

When Toki left to go home, he tried picking up his guitar again, but it suddenly sounded too loud, and too heavy, in the tiny flat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried taking into consideration the comments about my writing being rushed by simply trying to write it truer to how i see it happen in my mind. Though, it takes me a lot of effort to write, so i dont pressure myself too much into having perfect writing.
> 
> I'm very sorry for your waiting, hopefully this chapter will not be Too Disappointing, and only sort of disappointing. Thank you for reading!


	5. Magnus' dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus dreams of memories.

In the early hours of the day, when it was still night, he shifted uncomfortably in his sleep. It had taken him a lot of time to fall asleep, as usual. Magnus had never been prone to sleeping easily. And the dreams he had, when he had any, were heavy, gloomy and sticky, memories of the past or glimpses of a future that was never meant to be. They usually left him to wake up in an anxious sweat, shaken as the nightmare slowly faded away out of his reach, unprepared for the new day to come. Shadows, dark skies, grey clouds, and a thin curtain of rain that was commonplace in the city where he had grown up.

It was rarely sunny in his dreams, but it ever was when he was dreaming of Skwisgaar.

It was sunny this time too. A memory of when they had met.

"Hey guys. Cans I sit with yous?"

He did not wait to sit with them. The first thing Magnus noticed about him was his hair, long blond, and well kept for a guy, not a knot in it. Usually guys with long hair (such as Magnus) did not put any effort into it, and left it to be a gorgeous unkempt mess, but clearly this one guy spent a decent amount of time in front of the mirror. The second thing he noticed about him was his attitude.

"Gives me one of your cigarettes. Thanks."

Everything seemed to be owned to him. Lightly brushing the lighter, he lit up the cigarette without a care in the world, and then glanced up at Magnus, slowly taking a drag out of it. Magnus felt a chill upon his back.

"Whats your name would be?"

"Magnus. And you are? Foreign I'd assume?"

"Skwisgaar."

Magnus friends seemed to know him already.

"He's not from the college, guess you have that in common. He just comes there to hang out with us. Seems he's looking for bandmates, he's a guitar player, you see."

"He's really good, too. I think you'd be impressed."

Sure. He noticed the guitar bag next to Skwisgaar. It had kind of a weird shape. Maybe a Gibson.

"Heh. Why don't you give me a demo."

"And whys would I do that? I hears nothings of you. You give me a demo."

"Maybe I will do you that honor some time, should I think you're worth it."

He could not remember his friends' faces in the dream, nor would he be able to if he was awake. They weren't really friends, just people he hung out with during his college years. Weird to call them that, as he wasn't actually attending any classes (or taking any courses), but just going there to hang out with people and play music. It felt like forever ago.

The dream changed then.

They had come home drunk, and a little high. Well home... At Skwisgaar's flat. Skwisgaar had a really tiny flat at the time, and he wasn't sure how he afforded it, besides the vague mention of his mother, who was still back there in Sweden. In his early days, the combination of drinking and smoking (pot) made Magnus nauseous, but he was more than used to it by now.

  
It was kind of late, from honest folk's point of view, but the night was still young to them. Regardless, they had had a long day of jamming and then going out partying, and Magnus had longed to be somewhere calm. Skwisgaar was close to passing out. He had found the Swede handled his alcohol really bad: he drunk a lot in short periods of time, like it was water, and wasn't all that well used to drinking yet. Parched, Magnus had a glass of water immediately upon coming home and had Skwisgaar drink one too, which proved fastidious. The Swede then laid down on the bed and closed his eyes, ready as ever to welcome sleep.

  
Magnus pondered a moment wether he was able to go to his own home in this state. Technically yes. Skwisgaar's bed was designed for just one person, and waking up next to him might be really awkward in the morning. They had been hanging out with each other for months like the best of friends (at least Magnus assumed that was what a best friend was like), so he assumed that might not be a big deal, but he still had reservations on pulling shit like this.

  
Skwisgaar didn't let him finish his thinking and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him to lay down next to him, which took Magnus by surprise, thinking he was sleeping already. The Swede mumbled a bunch of gibberish but kept his grip on Magnus, closely cuddled up to him. Magnus had fallen asleep almost immediately, with a vague feeling of guilt over feeling maybe a little too comfortable with the situation.

Later during the night, he had awoken. The blinds weren't closed upon the room's only window, so it was dimly lit with a surreal blueish hue all around. Everything was silent, but for Skwisgaar's breathing. Magnus stayed still, thinking of nothing in particular and feeling generally peaceful. Skwisgaar shifted several times in his sleep, probably uncomfortable because of how little space he had. Several times when he turned back to him he went to hug Magnus, which made him wonder whether Skwisgaar subconsciously thought, in his drunken sleep, that Magnus was actually maybe a girl he would have taken home like he did sometimes. He wondered if Skwisgaar was as asleep as he thought.

Then the Swede kissed him. It was a sloppy kiss, clumsy due to his sleepy state. Magnus felt his cheeks flushing, and overwhelming guilt as he gave the kiss back, certain now that Skwisgaar wasn't fully aware of who he was kissing. But then the blonde raised his hand to feel Magnus' face, and back down across his chest, and he had to be aware by now. Still he kept kissing him and pulling him closer. After a little while they stopped, and Skwisgaar let out a content sigh. They fell back asleep.

He woke up - for real - in a cold sweat, again, and immediately sat up. Usually the dream would fade as fast as he woke up, but not this time. Sticky with unwanted feelings, pictures from the dream hammered themselves repeatedly in his head. He could see them better than his actual surroundings. They were memories, after all.

Why this again? Why now? Why wouldn't this leave him alone?

Furious with frustration, he snatched his tobacco and began rolling himself a cigarette, but he was so angry he tore the paper several times before managing to get it right. It wasn't satisfying at all when he finally took a drag.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys i had a spur of inspiration at like 23:30 and it took me one hour to write this, after months of silence. Hope to actually resume the story w this sudden inspiration, bc i know where i want to take it actually. Sorry im being so inconsistent w the updates but i hope u enjoy it anyway!
> 
> To my husband: if u read this ur gay.


	6. Disclaimer: Abandoned fanfic

Disclaimer: I'm sorry! This will never be continued. In a flash of self awareness I realized shipping Toki and Magnus together was pretty wrong since Toki is underage and Magnus is ~old as balls~ (like ten years older?). Also I don't really have the motivation to continue it. I might edit it in the future so it's better.

Probably if I write magtok/skwismag again (yeah, I'm a huge kin and those are my ships) I'll write them in a healthier way.

 

_So long and thanks for all the ~~fish~~ kudos and nice comments._

 

Toodles!


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